Jacqueline Roemmele

Two months from now will be the two-year anniversary of the death of my mother-in-law, Jacqui. I’m one of the lucky ones that doesn’t have any horrible “monster”-in-law stories. Jacqui was born and raised in Scotland, the youngest child of Tom and Agnes Rankin. She grew up in a very unconventional way. Her mother was in and out of her life for massive blocks of time due to alcoholism. At age eight, Jacqui had to be “the woman of the house.” Though her own mother wasn’t a great example she absolutely adored her mother-in-law, Anna. Jacqui lived with Anna for a few years once she moved to America shortly after marrying Anna’s son, Vincent (my father-in-law). Through Anna, Jacqui learned how to be a great mother-in-law. Shortly after my husband and I got engaged, Jacqui looked into my eyes and said, “I am here if you need me, but I will never give you advise unless you ask for it.”

In our studies this week we read the following statement, “While popular culture often suggests it is best to live far from parents-in-law, the results of one study demonstrated that the close proximity of daughters-in-law with their husbands’ mothers did not add strain but provided opportunities for relationship development.” (Hart et al., 2005, p 331) My relationship with my mother-in-law is a testimony of the study mentioned above. My husband and I lived 20 minutes from my in-laws when we first got married. She truly kept her promise of not butting into our marriage or parenting lives the whole time we lived that close.

Part of the success of having a wonderful relationship with my mother-in-law is because of the circumstances mentioned in the next claim, “Research shows that when daughters-in-law disclose information about themselves, communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy, and put for a relational connection, they can have high-quality relationships with mothers-in-law.” (Hart et al., 2005, p 332) We had many opportunities to get to know each other. Being open to spending special time with Jacqui helped me to learn so many fun life stories about Jacqui’s life. With her now gone, I find myself from time to time remembering back to the times we shared together. I’m extremely grateful for the time we had and I look forward to seeing her when we get to meet again.

Hart, C. H., Newell, L. D., Walton, E., Dollahite, D. C., Haupt, J. H., Hendricks, H. M., & Hawkins, L. B. (Eds.). (2005). Helping and healing our families. Salt Lake City:Deseret Book Company

Individual and Together at the Same Time

In this week’s reading there was a quote from M. Russell Ballard that stated, “Both men and women are to serve their families and others, but the specific ways in which they do so are sometimes different.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) We are told this many times as we grow up. It has become even more apparent as I’ve since gotten married and get to live through these differences daily.

Elder Ballard further explains the roles of husbands and fathers by sharing, “For example, God has revealed through His prophets that men are to receive the priesthood, to become fathers, and with gentleness and pure, unfeigned love to lead and nurture their families in righteousness, taking for their pattern the way the Savior leads the Church. Men have also been given the primary responsibility for providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) My husband is a wonderful example of this quote. He fulfills his primary responsibility of “providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family” with the utmost exactness. He has always made it a point to make sure that we are taken care of and have no need to worry for both our present and future times.

Elder Ballard’s direction for wives and mothers is, “Women have the ability to bring children into the world and have been given the primary role and opportunity to lead, nurture, and teach their little ones in a loving, safe, and spiritual environment.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) I’m grateful for the opportunity to “lead, nurture, and teach” my little ones. I have been able to feel the powerful guidance from our loving Heavenly Father as I’ve done this task asked of me. I enjoy being a wife and mother.

His quote ended perfectly with the combining of the joint roles of both as spouses and parents, to be done together. He finished with, “In this divinely sanctioned partnership, husband and wives work together, each bringing his or her unique contribution to the family. Such a couple provide the children born to their union a home where they can be fully nurtured by both a mother and a father. By appointing different accountabilities to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service, and progress.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) I have learned over these past 15 years that in order for a marriage to work the “unique contribution” from each spouse is important. I’m grateful for all the ups and downs we’ve had to learn how our contributions work well together. There has been great “growth, service, and progress” as my husband and I have worked together to raise our children. I’m grateful for eternal families.

Ballard, M. R. (1997). Counseling with Our Councils. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co.

Multiple and Replenish

President Hinckley once stated: “The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity, and there is no greater joy than the joy that comes of happy children in good families. But He did not designate the number, nor has the church. That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord.” (Hinckley, Cornerstones to a Happy Home, pg 6)

When I was in elementary school, I had decided I wanted eight children, just like my mom. Later, in my teens, I had come up with twelve perfect names. I guess that meant I was going to have twelve perfect children. As time went on, and I got older, the number went back down to eight, then six, then four. Then I questioned if I was ever going to get married so I could at least have one child. Right about then I met my husband. We had a quick courtship and engagement. I can’t exact remember when we decided but during our courtship/engagement we decided we wanted three children. We also decided that we wanted them before my husband turned 40, which would mean that we’d have them all within five years from getting married, if possible.

In the same statement, President Hinckley said: “The official statement of the Church includes this language: ‘Husbands must be considerate of their wives, who have the greater responsibility not only of bearing children but of caring for them through childhood, and should help them conserve their health and strength. …They should seek inspiration from the Lord in meeting their marital challenges and rearing their children according to the teachings of the gospel.’” (Hinckley, Cornerstones of a Happy Home, pg 6)

Having three children in five years seems like a difficult task, both in the theory of conception and the “conserving” of “health and strength.” I am here to testify that as a couple comes together with the Lord and follows the inspiration given from the Lord, they will be able to do what is best for the whole family. We actually ended up having three children within 2 years and 362 days. As I look back on the past decade of our lives as a family, I know without a shadow of a doubt that we were supposed to have our three children within the time-frame we did. I can further testify that with the inspiration from the Lord I was given the help of multiple heavenly and earthly angels along my path to help with the energy and strength needed to accomplish this task.

Truth without Disguise

In the chapter titled “Charity” of Dr. Wallace Goddard’s book “Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results,” he shares the following quote from C.S. Lewis:

“…surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth.” (Goddard, 2007, pg. 108)

I share this quote with you because when I read it the first time it struck me right to the core. I had to read it a couple times as I let it really sink in. After processing it for a bit my thoughts were turned toward my family and the way I sometimes react to their mishaps. I hated the memories that came back to me of the times that my “truth” had come out before I have a chance to put on my disguise. Thankfully, the memories in this regard were short but still sad that I have them.

Dr. Goddard followed C.S. Lewis’s quote with a few thoughts of his own on the matter. He said, “The natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity. More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice—a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other.” (Goddard, 2007, pg. 108) I like that he reminded us that we have a choice. He is correct, the choice of negativity is much simpler. Unfortunately, the choice of ease also brings feelings of turmoil and sorrow once we realize how we reacted toward our loved ones. The reverse though of choosing the “heavenly and loving way” helps us gain the immense reward of peace and happiness.

To further the reward of peace and happiness, choosing charity also gives us the opportunity to become more Christlike. As Dr. Goddard continues to remind us, “As in all things, Jesus is the perfect example of charity. He is also our unfailing mentor as we work to develop charity.” (Goddard, 2007, pg. 108) What a thrill to have Jesus as our mentor! Seeking to be like Him in showing charity to our loved ones can only create in ourselves a better person and someone that He can help spread His love.

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

The Keys to Managing Conflict

A lot of great conflict management material was shared this week. There was one part that gave me comfort and peace as I pondered the conflict part of marriage. At the end of Chapter 8, John Gottman gives four keys that will help in managing conflict (appropriately found under the section labeled “The Keys to Managing Conflict.”) (2015, Gottman, pg 156-159) The four keys are: (1) Negative emotions are important, (2) No one is right, (3) Acceptance is crucial and (4) Focus on fondness and admiration. What I appreciate from these keys is that they provide a foundation for any kind of conflict that may arise in marriage.

Negative emotions are important. 

Dr. John Gottman states, “Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) Previous times that I’ve been taught to pay attention to negative emotions the focus was on an individual level and how a person deals with these emotions. Dr. Gottman further explained that his goal was to help couples express “…their negative emotions in ways that allow each other to listen without feeling attacked so that the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) Not until this key was presented this week, did I realize the importance of understanding the negative emotions as a couple. I’ve been able to see in my own marriage how understanding my husband’s negative emotions and how they link to his past that I can do as Dr. Gottman said and heal his pain instead of becoming hurt by his words.

No one is right.

Dr. Gottman pointed out that conflict will be easier to resolve if the couple remembers that “There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) This reminds me of the example often given about several witnesses reporting to the police officers what they witnessed before, during and after an accident happened. Each story will have similarities but in every case each witness will have their own remembrance of what happened. I believe this is what Dr. Gottman is referring to. We need to remember that each of us sees things differently due to our personal life experiences.

Acceptance is crucial.

Accepting our spouse’s “subjective” point of view, as mentioned above, will also help in resolving issues. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you agree with them. Rather, acceptance is a way of showing your spouse that what they feel and say are of value and helps in opening the door to resolving the issue.  

Focus on fondness and admiration.

This concept of fondness and admiration is shared by Dr. Gottman in Chapter 5 with the introduction of “Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration.” (Gottman, 2015, pg.67) This principle has been my favorite principle thus far because I believe that it was the principle that my husband and I needed the most help with. After learning of this principle and implementing it in our marriage we’ve already seen a refresh of our love for each other. Seeing this refresh in just the short period of time since learning it I can completely see how this key helps in resolving issues. If love for each other is front and center, then you are going to find it easier to resolve conflict with tenderness and care.

Earlier I mentioned that these keys brought comfort and peace to my mind when thinking of conflict management. I truly believe this is because I’ve seen them work in my own marriage during our moments of conflict. We are not perfect, but we’ve come a long way to improving our moments of conflict.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Eggs and Influence

In the movie “Runaway Bride,” reporter Ike Graham goes to a small town to write a story on bride Maggie Carpenter. Maggie has already left three grooms at the alter so the talk of the town is will she make it four. As Ike interviews the three previous grooms, he finds that when he inquiries about how Maggie liked her eggs the answer is different each time. Turns out that Maggie liked her eggs the exact same way each of the grooms liked their eggs.

The fourth principle in John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” is to “Let Your Partner Influence You.” Through Dr. Gottman’s research he has found that husbands have a harder time letting their wives influence them. Thankfully he has found a shift in this behavior. “About 35 percent of the men we’ve studied are emotionally intelligent. Research from previous decades suggests the number used to be much lower. Because this type of husband honors and respects his wife, he will be open to learning more about emotions from her.” (Gottman, 2015, pg. 123) I feel that part of this shift is because spouse have started to recognize the importance of working together to strengthen their marriage.

What does this principle and the way Maggie likes her eggs have in common? I agree with Dr. Gottman that husbands, and wives, need to honor and respect their spouse by allowing each other to be influenced by the other. I’d like to add a bit to his message. For a person to have influence in a relationship they need be confident in their value. Since Dr. Gottman pointed out that husbands have a harder time with receiving the influence from their wives I will follow his train of thought and add that wives need to remember to be influential. When we look at Maggie and her choice of eggs, she was allowing herself to go along with what her fiancée’s choice was. In the end Maggie’s choice for how to eat eggs was Benedict. Maggie knew how she liked her eggs, she just needed to be confident in herself to order eggs her way instead of how her fiancée always ordered them.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Vanishing Individualism

In a previous post I mentioned that due to being older when my husband and I got married we had both brought our own version of the “baggage of deep-rooted singleness, or individualism.” This week we studied the third principle from Dr. Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles from Making Marriage Work” which is, “turn toward each other instead of away.” Turning toward each other is how a couple builds a connection. It is a way to show your spouse that you value them.

This principle made me take a much deeper look into how individualism has affected our marriage. A line from the book that resonated with me was “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” (Gottman, 2015, pg. 94) Dr. Gottman was referring to the distraction of technology when he made this statement but for my marriage it brought my thoughts back to “deep-rooted singleness.” We had both lived alone for most of our single lives. We had become accustomed to doing things on our own and for ourselves. We have a hard time asking each other for assistance, feedback or thoughts. I don’t often miss opportunities to turn toward my husband because I’m wanting to hurt him. Instead, these missed opportunities come from the routine of being alone.

Thankfully, we had been given wise advice from our Bishop at the time we got married to always work together as a team. We did this by deliberately turning towards each other. These times have indeed helped us to shed our individualism and brought us closer as a couple. We’ve had many changes in our marriage - from starting our own family, being without a job for several years and two major moves across the United States. Yet, through all this there have been three consistent practices that have always helped us accomplish turning towards each other. They are (1) we always share about each other’s day, (2) we go on drives, just the two of us which most often lead to nowhere in particular and (3) we play card or board games. Each of these events gives us time to talk and build the connection needed to get rid of individualism and strengthen our marriage.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

His View

Devastation had penetrated him to the core with the loss of his ability to provide for our family. There was talk of God hating him. Often, he’d say we’d be better off without him. Over the years I tried to be the dutiful wife and cheer him up. I’d try to show him how important he was to our family. I attempted to help him to understand that we loved him and always would, no matter what life hurled at us. He was too far gone to hear my pleadings. The light I had once seen in him was gone. He wasn’t the same man I married.  Five years into this battle I found myself frustrated and overwhelmed with the depression that lingered in our home. Sunday mornings were the worst because we’d fight right before church. I tried to help him see that he needed to come to church to feel the love of God. He’d claim God didn’t love him so it would be a waste of his time going. I didn’t want to get a divorce, but I was starting to see no other option. He brought such a heavy feeling into our home that I didn’t want to be around him anymore.

One particular Sunday I was having a hard time concentrating on the talks. I was so focused on the morning fight. Rehashing all the negative behaviors my husband was now accustom to. At one point, I was aware enough to know that my Bishop was up at the pulpit and sharing a story given by a General Authority. To this day, I have no clue what was said before or what was said after, but I vividly have the image burned in my mind. The Bishop saying, “Help me to see him as you see him.” That phrase pierced me to my very soul. It could not have been clearer to me at that time was what I needed to be praying for. I instantly, with tears in my eyes, humbly pleaded in silent prayer to my Heavenly Father. I prayed for forgiveness for my thoughts and feelings towards my husband. I also pleaded that He would help me to see him as He sees him.

I was reminded of the above moment while reading from H. Wallace Goddard book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage: Powerful Principles with Eternal Results.” He stated, “We can ask Father to help us see our partner and his or her struggles with the loving-kindness with which He views them.” (Goddard, 2015, p. 36) Previous to the moment above I had specifically asked Heavenly Father in prayer to help me with one of my more challenging children. I had reminded myself that she is His daughter. Why not go to Him for assistance in how I could help her through her journey here on earth? It never dawned on me that I could ask for the exact same guidance in helping my husband through his journey. It makes a world of difference once you listen to the direction given from our loving Heavenly Father in how to reach out and love His children.

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Being Friends

              

I have several different memories from my childhood of attending workshops or conferences where activities that helped me to learn my self-worth were being taught. I remember one activity where the acronym IALAC was taught. IALAC stands for “I am Loveable and Capable.” There was a paper heart with the letters IALAC written on the front, then every time something negative was said to the person holding the heart a small piece was ripped from the paper heart. By the end of the activity only a dime size piece of paper was left. After this activity we would sit in a circle, take a piece of paper and write our names on the top then pass it to the right. Once you had a new piece of paper with someone else’s name on it you would write something nice about the person that was listed on the top. Eventually the paper with your name would be returned to you with several comments from your peers that helped to build your confidence. I remember doing this second part of the activity several times throughout my early school years. The validation of my self-worth was also reiterated daily in my home.

                In contrast, my husband remembers his childhood being filled with messages of being worthless. He remembers every day after school his mother would send him out to play with instructions to stay away until she called him in, usually right before dinner followed quickly with bedtime. His father would take the stress from work out on him either physically, emotionally or mentally daily. He remembers hating to go to school because he’d then have to deal with the bullies.

                The differences of our upbringing and childhood experiences has been strikingly evident in our marriage. Often my husband has referred to my way of viewing life as being like “Pollyanna” while I couldn’t understand why he had such a “Scrooge” outlook on life. After 15 years of marriage I wish I could say that my husband has taken on a more “Pollyanna” outlook but in reality, I’ve become a bit more “Scrooge” like. Dr. John Gottman explained this change best in his book “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” when he stated “Over time, irritation, resentment, and anger build to the point that the friendship becomes more and more of an abstraction. The couple may pay lip service to it, but it is no longer their daily reality. Eventually they end up in “negative sentiment override.” Everything gets interpreted in an increasingly negative manner. Words said in a neutral tone of voice are taken personally.” (Gottman, 2015, p. 23) Unfortunately, this negative tone is more prevalent in our home then I’d like. Our children have noticed this “negative sentiment override” and have started to show it in their interactions with each other.

                Fortunately, my husband has been able to recognize that “negative sentiment override” was a way of life in his parents’ marriage and can clearly see that their marriage was not one to use as a role model. From time to time he can see the influence of their marriage in our marriage and he is wanting to make a change, so we don’t end up like his parents. I’m so excited for this semester and the course subject matter. I’ve asked my husband to read through the textbooks with me, in which he has been a willing and active participant. My hope is that as we both read and discuss the different topics; we can implement the needed changes to rebuild the friendship in our marriage.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Aware of the Intent

A friend once asked which apostle was my favorite to listen to during General Conference. Without hesitation I answered Elder Richard G. Scott. I loved the way he talked directly to the camera as if he was talking right to me. I also found that his talks spoke directly to my heart. My friend then replied that meant I loved to hear the subject of chastity because in his opinion that was what Elder Scott talked about most often. I hadn’t ever thought about the speaking patterns of the apostles or other general authorities of the church until I started to follow Elder Bruce C. Hafen. Like Elder Scott, Elder Hafen’s talks touch my heart. I enjoy his style of speaking and the subject he talks often about, which in his own words is “family relationships, especially child rearing and marriage.” His speaking style helps with my understand of these topics and therefore gives me strength to strive to improve my marriage, my parenting skills and myself.

This week I read a talk he gave in the Saturday morning session of the October 1996 General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints titled “Covenant Marriage.” To help us understand what a covenant marriage is he compared it to a contractual marriage by stating, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” (Hafen, 1996, 26) Giving 100 percent, all the time, is extremely hard! With all of life’s demands such as parenthood, work, church, school and other outside influences, always keeping marriage front and center can be challenging. Even harder than that is making sure you and your spouse are both finding the balance while keeping marriage front and center.

Though this is difficult, it is not impossible. At the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting for members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, held on February 11, 2006, Elder Bednar, while speaking on marriage, referenced Alma 2:12 and pointed out that it states to be “…aware of the intent of [their enemy] and, therefore, they did prepare to meet them.” (Brigham Young University - Idaho, 2006) We like the people in Alma can become aware of the attacks on our marriage so that when we are faced with them, we will have our defenses prepared. Elder Hafen helps us to become aware of the intents of our enemies by sharing three ways that they seek to destroy our marriage.

Elder Hafen first helps us understand the differences between a hireling and a shepherd by sharing what Jesus taught in John 10:12-15. This is the parable of the hireling and a shepherd. A hireling runs away from the flock of sheep when the wolves’ approach as compared to how a shepherd stays to protect the sheep. Elder Hafen reminds us that we need to be a shepherd in our marriage not a hireling and helps us to know what we can focus on in our marriages to help make this happen.

Elder Hafen refers to the intents of the enemy as wolves.

 The three wolves he mentions are natural adversity, imperfections and excessive individualism. He shares that these wolves attack continually throughout every stages of marriage. I can attest to the truthfulness of his synopsis because I’ve seen each of these wolves approach my marriage of 15 years. The first wolf of “natural adversity” tackled us when the economy in America was bleak and we were thrown into the bleakness when my husband lost his job. The next wolf of “imperfections” threatens us daily as we continually show our weaknesses and make mistakes. The last wolf of “excessive individualism” confronted us way before we even met each other. By Mormon culture my husband was a menace to society, and I was an old maid by the time we got married. Unfortunately, this later in age marriage also brought baggage of deep-rooted singleness, or individualism, into it. We continually work to defeat this wolf.

Knowing how these wolves actively play a part in our marriage now will help us to become “aware” of their moves so we can plan strategies so that we can be prepared to act like a shepherd and not a hireling.

Brigham Young University - Idaho. (2006, February 11). Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan [Video]. BYU-Idaho Streaming Video Player. http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=156&EndCue=1437&VideoName=WorldwideLeadershipFamily&VideoType=byuiproduced

Hafen, B. C., (1996, Nov.). Covenant Marriage. Ensign, 26

Ask of God

I echo the words and feelings of Cathy Ruse, Esq. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, thus making me a Christian. “And that means that it is impossible for me to believe that marriage is anything other than the union of a man and a woman. And no law will change that belief. No judge will change that belief. There is nothing that can change that belief. Nothing.” (World Congress of Families IX, 2015) One might say that my faith has made me blind or “very, very uneducated” (Coalition for Marriage, 2013) as Suze Orman referred to Ryan Anderson during a debate on the Piers Morgan show from 2013. My faith has taught be from the very beginning that “If any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” (James 1:5) I testify to you that I am not “uneducated” because God does “giveth to all men liberally.”

You see, I have an amazing friend that has been with me for the past 35 years, that I love dearly. Every year during Christmas I pull out my special golden snowflake and my heart is flooded with tons of memories from my childhood as I read the engraved phrase “Friends Forever.” Brenda and I did everything together. We watched movies, played air hockey, had countless sleepovers and I never missed her birthday parties. Matter of fact, Brenda would check my schedule to see when I was available so I wouldn’t miss it. She knew though to not have a sleepover start or end on a Sunday because that was my family’s special day of worship and time to be just our family. She also knew to always have 7-UP or other non-caffeinated drink because my family had a rule of not drinking caffeine. She never swore or took the Lord’s name in vain in front of me and stood up for me when others did use inappropriate language. She knew my faith and the important place it had in my life. It was because of how close we were and how strong in my faith I was that she had an internal struggle to call me one night during our college years and share her “secret life” with me. During our freshman year in high school Brenda had started to have feelings for other girls. It wasn’t until after high school, when our paths went two separate directions that she started to act on her feelings. She struggled because she wanted to continue with our close friendship, but she didn’t want me to think less of her or have me feel uncomfortable around her. The conversation from that night was one of the best we’ve ever had. I was able to sincerely tell her that I loved her and will always love her. I told her that I want to be a part of her life and be there to support her where I can. She was extremely grateful that I responded with great love and support for her and our friendship. To this day we still reach out to each other and give updates on our kids and lives. Unfortunately, for the past two years her mother has been battling lung and brain cancer. She continues to ask for my special prayers on her mother’s behalf because she knows that I’m still strong in my faith.

I continue to stand by my expression of love and support for Brenda that I shared with her from that night so many years ago. There was a time shortly after sharing this expression of love and support that I had my own internal struggle. How could I truly have such love and support for Brenda and believe that homosexuality was immoral? I found that I first needed to find the answer of why. Why did I believe that homosexuality was immoral? And, did I really believe that or was I brainwashed to believe it? The answers to these questions did not come to me overnight. It was many years of praying to seek the peace of how these two beliefs could coincide within me. I remember every detail from when my answer came. It was a sacred moment for me and so all I will share is that I have a firm and immovable testimony that our Heavenly Father loves each and every one of his children. He loves us ALL beyond anything that we will ever be able to fully comprehend. There is also no doubt in my mind that we have been commanded by our loving Father in Heaven to multiple and replenish the earth so that His many children will be able to enjoy the blessings afforded everyone of having a body, being tested and returning to live with Him again.

Though my testimony is a very tangible witness to me, I know that not everyone would be ready to receive their answers in defining marriage through my testimony alone. Therefore, I have continued to study and understand the importance of marriage and families so I can help others to comprehend the importance. Many studies have been done regarding the purpose of marriage and have proven that marriage is best for the children of the world and societies as a whole. Ryan Anderson declared in front of the House Judiciary Committee on January 13, 2014 that “Marriage exits to unite a man and woman as a husband and wife to then be equipped to be mother and father to any children that union produces. It is based on biological fact that men and women are distinct and complementary. It’s based on the anthropological truth that reproduction requires a man and a woman. It is based on the social reality that children deserve a mother and a father.” (The Heritage Foundation, 2014) I agree, from my experience there are many situations in our family where, as a mother, I have a better understand and capacity to fulfill the need of our children, that my husband would not be able to accomplish, and vice versa. I’ve also talked with many of my friends that are single mothers, and even though the biological father of their children may not have been the best example of manhood, they at least were able to provide things that as women, my friends are not able to. All these women have expressed extreme gratitude for the capable and generous men that do make up their community of support in helping to bring the influence of righteous men into their children’s lives.

 My studies do not stop at research into the importance of marriage and family. It continues with finding ways to show the expression of love and support to my dear friend, Brenda, and others that I meet that deal with same-sex attraction. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has affirmed in their statement through “The Divine Institution of Marriage” that “Church members are to treat all people with love and humanity. They may express genuine love and kindness toward a gay or lesbian family member, friend, or other person without condoning any redefinition of marriage.” (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, n.d.). I’m grateful for the knowledge I have of the importance of being a disciple of Jesus Christ and to show unconditional love towards all of God’s children.

In the matter of gaining your own understand of the definition of marriage, if you haven’t already received a strong testimony of the importance of marriage being between a man and a woman, then I strongly encourage you to take the council of James to “ask of God.” He wants you to find out for yourself the truthfulness and fullness of his eternal plan of happiness.

Coalition for Marriage. (2013, March 26). Ryan Anderson debates gay marriage with Piers Morgan [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/embed/vrk1R-3X9Hc?rel=0

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (n.d.). The Divine Institution of Marriage. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://newsroom.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage

The Heritage Foundation. (2014, January 13). Ryan Anderson Testifies Before the Indiana House Judiciary Committee [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/embed/3TNmKo5KcMY?rel=0

World Congress of Families IX. (2015, October 28). Cathy Ruse remarks, World Congress of Families IX [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/embed/xVTHhQhFb8M?rel=0

The Jericho Missile and Marriage Trends

Jericho Missile

I was recently introduced to the “Jericho Missile” while watching the Marvel movie “Iron Man”. The description for the Jericho Missile from a Marvel fandom site states, “In the launch process, the system first is given a target which it then calculates the distance to. The missile is then launched, and when it reaches a designated height and distance away from the target, splits into 16 smaller missiles that all hit the target at strategic places.” ("Jericho Missile," n.d., History section, para. 1) When it comes to the link between the Jericho Missile and Marriage Trends, one can truly tell that the one launching the missile is not marriage friendly and is attacking marriage with full gusto. In the description above we can note that marriage is the target the system is first given. Then after launch the smaller missiles hit the target – marriage – in “strategic places”, like divorce, co-habitation and birth out of wedlock.

Unfortunately, the wounds caused by the Jericho Missile cannot be healed by temporary bandages. Even more unfortunate is that those with power to heal the wounds from the marital Jericho Missile are only using figurative bandages, such as family planning, job training and secondary education. These figurative bandages have been a great start. It has been said before that knowledge is power and helping to provide knowledge and opportunity to improve individuals’ chances at a better life is a fantastic goal. According to “The President’s Marriage Agenda for the Forgotten Sixty Percent”, from The State of Our Union, written by Elizabeth Marquardt and her colleagues, “Scholars prefer to emphasize family planning and contraception for twenty-somethings who are at risk of unwed parenthood, opportunities for job training beyond high school, and sending more high school graduates to college. Yet these strategies, however desirable they may be, have not been very successful thus far.” (Marquardt, Blankenhorn, Lerman, Malone-Colón, & Wilcox, 2012, p. 10). This means that we need to do more then put extra time, energy and money into these initiatives, these strategies are a terrific starting point but they are not the answer to fixing the wounds from the disasters caused by the missile strike.

How do we clean the wounds from this missile while making sure another attack is not made? We follow the direction of our loving Heavenly Father given through the Apostles of our time. In General Conference of April 2007, Elder Oaks shared these profound words “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” (Oaks, 2007, p. 73). We seek the needed programs that will help us to become more loving and Christlike while teaching us to work together for this as a couple. We then turn these moments into teaching moment for our children so they can be passed on from generation to generation. As we advance in our learning with becoming more Christlike and helping our children to do the same, we need to remember that we have all been given the gift of agency. We can help to encourage those that ask for guidance in choosing the Lord’s way, but they will always have the choice to follow the advice or not. Our responsibility is to continue to be Christlike and show unconditional love for all those we meet. In this same talk Elder Oaks shared that “President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage…means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means deepest and sweetest emotions of all.” (Oaks, 2007, p. 73). These are the types of things we should be learning in our youth. We need to learn how to be selfless and caring. We need to learn how to communicate with others in a way that builds them up and helps them to be the child of God that they are. We need to destroy the missile launcher by giving him no place in our communities, our homes and our lives.

Jericho Missile. (n.d.). Retrieved January 15, 2020, from https://marvel-movies.fandom.com/wiki/Jericho_Missile

Marquardt, E., Blankenhorn, D., Lerman, R. I., Malone-Colón, L., and Wilcox, W. B., (2012) “The President’s Marriage Agenda for the Forgotten Sixty Percent,” The State of Our Unions (Charlottesville, VA: National Marriage Project and Institute for American Values).

Oaks, D. H. (2007, May). Divorce. Ensign, 37(5), 70–73.