Being Friends

              

I have several different memories from my childhood of attending workshops or conferences where activities that helped me to learn my self-worth were being taught. I remember one activity where the acronym IALAC was taught. IALAC stands for “I am Loveable and Capable.” There was a paper heart with the letters IALAC written on the front, then every time something negative was said to the person holding the heart a small piece was ripped from the paper heart. By the end of the activity only a dime size piece of paper was left. After this activity we would sit in a circle, take a piece of paper and write our names on the top then pass it to the right. Once you had a new piece of paper with someone else’s name on it you would write something nice about the person that was listed on the top. Eventually the paper with your name would be returned to you with several comments from your peers that helped to build your confidence. I remember doing this second part of the activity several times throughout my early school years. The validation of my self-worth was also reiterated daily in my home.

                In contrast, my husband remembers his childhood being filled with messages of being worthless. He remembers every day after school his mother would send him out to play with instructions to stay away until she called him in, usually right before dinner followed quickly with bedtime. His father would take the stress from work out on him either physically, emotionally or mentally daily. He remembers hating to go to school because he’d then have to deal with the bullies.

                The differences of our upbringing and childhood experiences has been strikingly evident in our marriage. Often my husband has referred to my way of viewing life as being like “Pollyanna” while I couldn’t understand why he had such a “Scrooge” outlook on life. After 15 years of marriage I wish I could say that my husband has taken on a more “Pollyanna” outlook but in reality, I’ve become a bit more “Scrooge” like. Dr. John Gottman explained this change best in his book “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” when he stated “Over time, irritation, resentment, and anger build to the point that the friendship becomes more and more of an abstraction. The couple may pay lip service to it, but it is no longer their daily reality. Eventually they end up in “negative sentiment override.” Everything gets interpreted in an increasingly negative manner. Words said in a neutral tone of voice are taken personally.” (Gottman, 2015, p. 23) Unfortunately, this negative tone is more prevalent in our home then I’d like. Our children have noticed this “negative sentiment override” and have started to show it in their interactions with each other.

                Fortunately, my husband has been able to recognize that “negative sentiment override” was a way of life in his parents’ marriage and can clearly see that their marriage was not one to use as a role model. From time to time he can see the influence of their marriage in our marriage and he is wanting to make a change, so we don’t end up like his parents. I’m so excited for this semester and the course subject matter. I’ve asked my husband to read through the textbooks with me, in which he has been a willing and active participant. My hope is that as we both read and discuss the different topics; we can implement the needed changes to rebuild the friendship in our marriage.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.