Vanishing Individualism

In a previous post I mentioned that due to being older when my husband and I got married we had both brought our own version of the “baggage of deep-rooted singleness, or individualism.” This week we studied the third principle from Dr. Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles from Making Marriage Work” which is, “turn toward each other instead of away.” Turning toward each other is how a couple builds a connection. It is a way to show your spouse that you value them.

This principle made me take a much deeper look into how individualism has affected our marriage. A line from the book that resonated with me was “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” (Gottman, 2015, pg. 94) Dr. Gottman was referring to the distraction of technology when he made this statement but for my marriage it brought my thoughts back to “deep-rooted singleness.” We had both lived alone for most of our single lives. We had become accustomed to doing things on our own and for ourselves. We have a hard time asking each other for assistance, feedback or thoughts. I don’t often miss opportunities to turn toward my husband because I’m wanting to hurt him. Instead, these missed opportunities come from the routine of being alone.

Thankfully, we had been given wise advice from our Bishop at the time we got married to always work together as a team. We did this by deliberately turning towards each other. These times have indeed helped us to shed our individualism and brought us closer as a couple. We’ve had many changes in our marriage - from starting our own family, being without a job for several years and two major moves across the United States. Yet, through all this there have been three consistent practices that have always helped us accomplish turning towards each other. They are (1) we always share about each other’s day, (2) we go on drives, just the two of us which most often lead to nowhere in particular and (3) we play card or board games. Each of these events gives us time to talk and build the connection needed to get rid of individualism and strengthen our marriage.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.