The Keys to Managing Conflict

A lot of great conflict management material was shared this week. There was one part that gave me comfort and peace as I pondered the conflict part of marriage. At the end of Chapter 8, John Gottman gives four keys that will help in managing conflict (appropriately found under the section labeled “The Keys to Managing Conflict.”) (2015, Gottman, pg 156-159) The four keys are: (1) Negative emotions are important, (2) No one is right, (3) Acceptance is crucial and (4) Focus on fondness and admiration. What I appreciate from these keys is that they provide a foundation for any kind of conflict that may arise in marriage.

Negative emotions are important. 

Dr. John Gottman states, “Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) Previous times that I’ve been taught to pay attention to negative emotions the focus was on an individual level and how a person deals with these emotions. Dr. Gottman further explained that his goal was to help couples express “…their negative emotions in ways that allow each other to listen without feeling attacked so that the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) Not until this key was presented this week, did I realize the importance of understanding the negative emotions as a couple. I’ve been able to see in my own marriage how understanding my husband’s negative emotions and how they link to his past that I can do as Dr. Gottman said and heal his pain instead of becoming hurt by his words.

No one is right.

Dr. Gottman pointed out that conflict will be easier to resolve if the couple remembers that “There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) This reminds me of the example often given about several witnesses reporting to the police officers what they witnessed before, during and after an accident happened. Each story will have similarities but in every case each witness will have their own remembrance of what happened. I believe this is what Dr. Gottman is referring to. We need to remember that each of us sees things differently due to our personal life experiences.

Acceptance is crucial.

Accepting our spouse’s “subjective” point of view, as mentioned above, will also help in resolving issues. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you agree with them. Rather, acceptance is a way of showing your spouse that what they feel and say are of value and helps in opening the door to resolving the issue.  

Focus on fondness and admiration.

This concept of fondness and admiration is shared by Dr. Gottman in Chapter 5 with the introduction of “Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration.” (Gottman, 2015, pg.67) This principle has been my favorite principle thus far because I believe that it was the principle that my husband and I needed the most help with. After learning of this principle and implementing it in our marriage we’ve already seen a refresh of our love for each other. Seeing this refresh in just the short period of time since learning it I can completely see how this key helps in resolving issues. If love for each other is front and center, then you are going to find it easier to resolve conflict with tenderness and care.

Earlier I mentioned that these keys brought comfort and peace to my mind when thinking of conflict management. I truly believe this is because I’ve seen them work in my own marriage during our moments of conflict. We are not perfect, but we’ve come a long way to improving our moments of conflict.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.