Eggs and Influence

In the movie “Runaway Bride,” reporter Ike Graham goes to a small town to write a story on bride Maggie Carpenter. Maggie has already left three grooms at the alter so the talk of the town is will she make it four. As Ike interviews the three previous grooms, he finds that when he inquiries about how Maggie liked her eggs the answer is different each time. Turns out that Maggie liked her eggs the exact same way each of the grooms liked their eggs.

The fourth principle in John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” is to “Let Your Partner Influence You.” Through Dr. Gottman’s research he has found that husbands have a harder time letting their wives influence them. Thankfully he has found a shift in this behavior. “About 35 percent of the men we’ve studied are emotionally intelligent. Research from previous decades suggests the number used to be much lower. Because this type of husband honors and respects his wife, he will be open to learning more about emotions from her.” (Gottman, 2015, pg. 123) I feel that part of this shift is because spouse have started to recognize the importance of working together to strengthen their marriage.

What does this principle and the way Maggie likes her eggs have in common? I agree with Dr. Gottman that husbands, and wives, need to honor and respect their spouse by allowing each other to be influenced by the other. I’d like to add a bit to his message. For a person to have influence in a relationship they need be confident in their value. Since Dr. Gottman pointed out that husbands have a harder time with receiving the influence from their wives I will follow his train of thought and add that wives need to remember to be influential. When we look at Maggie and her choice of eggs, she was allowing herself to go along with what her fiancée’s choice was. In the end Maggie’s choice for how to eat eggs was Benedict. Maggie knew how she liked her eggs, she just needed to be confident in herself to order eggs her way instead of how her fiancée always ordered them.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Vanishing Individualism

In a previous post I mentioned that due to being older when my husband and I got married we had both brought our own version of the “baggage of deep-rooted singleness, or individualism.” This week we studied the third principle from Dr. Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles from Making Marriage Work” which is, “turn toward each other instead of away.” Turning toward each other is how a couple builds a connection. It is a way to show your spouse that you value them.

This principle made me take a much deeper look into how individualism has affected our marriage. A line from the book that resonated with me was “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” (Gottman, 2015, pg. 94) Dr. Gottman was referring to the distraction of technology when he made this statement but for my marriage it brought my thoughts back to “deep-rooted singleness.” We had both lived alone for most of our single lives. We had become accustomed to doing things on our own and for ourselves. We have a hard time asking each other for assistance, feedback or thoughts. I don’t often miss opportunities to turn toward my husband because I’m wanting to hurt him. Instead, these missed opportunities come from the routine of being alone.

Thankfully, we had been given wise advice from our Bishop at the time we got married to always work together as a team. We did this by deliberately turning towards each other. These times have indeed helped us to shed our individualism and brought us closer as a couple. We’ve had many changes in our marriage - from starting our own family, being without a job for several years and two major moves across the United States. Yet, through all this there have been three consistent practices that have always helped us accomplish turning towards each other. They are (1) we always share about each other’s day, (2) we go on drives, just the two of us which most often lead to nowhere in particular and (3) we play card or board games. Each of these events gives us time to talk and build the connection needed to get rid of individualism and strengthen our marriage.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

His View

Devastation had penetrated him to the core with the loss of his ability to provide for our family. There was talk of God hating him. Often, he’d say we’d be better off without him. Over the years I tried to be the dutiful wife and cheer him up. I’d try to show him how important he was to our family. I attempted to help him to understand that we loved him and always would, no matter what life hurled at us. He was too far gone to hear my pleadings. The light I had once seen in him was gone. He wasn’t the same man I married.  Five years into this battle I found myself frustrated and overwhelmed with the depression that lingered in our home. Sunday mornings were the worst because we’d fight right before church. I tried to help him see that he needed to come to church to feel the love of God. He’d claim God didn’t love him so it would be a waste of his time going. I didn’t want to get a divorce, but I was starting to see no other option. He brought such a heavy feeling into our home that I didn’t want to be around him anymore.

One particular Sunday I was having a hard time concentrating on the talks. I was so focused on the morning fight. Rehashing all the negative behaviors my husband was now accustom to. At one point, I was aware enough to know that my Bishop was up at the pulpit and sharing a story given by a General Authority. To this day, I have no clue what was said before or what was said after, but I vividly have the image burned in my mind. The Bishop saying, “Help me to see him as you see him.” That phrase pierced me to my very soul. It could not have been clearer to me at that time was what I needed to be praying for. I instantly, with tears in my eyes, humbly pleaded in silent prayer to my Heavenly Father. I prayed for forgiveness for my thoughts and feelings towards my husband. I also pleaded that He would help me to see him as He sees him.

I was reminded of the above moment while reading from H. Wallace Goddard book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage: Powerful Principles with Eternal Results.” He stated, “We can ask Father to help us see our partner and his or her struggles with the loving-kindness with which He views them.” (Goddard, 2015, p. 36) Previous to the moment above I had specifically asked Heavenly Father in prayer to help me with one of my more challenging children. I had reminded myself that she is His daughter. Why not go to Him for assistance in how I could help her through her journey here on earth? It never dawned on me that I could ask for the exact same guidance in helping my husband through his journey. It makes a world of difference once you listen to the direction given from our loving Heavenly Father in how to reach out and love His children.

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Being Friends

              

I have several different memories from my childhood of attending workshops or conferences where activities that helped me to learn my self-worth were being taught. I remember one activity where the acronym IALAC was taught. IALAC stands for “I am Loveable and Capable.” There was a paper heart with the letters IALAC written on the front, then every time something negative was said to the person holding the heart a small piece was ripped from the paper heart. By the end of the activity only a dime size piece of paper was left. After this activity we would sit in a circle, take a piece of paper and write our names on the top then pass it to the right. Once you had a new piece of paper with someone else’s name on it you would write something nice about the person that was listed on the top. Eventually the paper with your name would be returned to you with several comments from your peers that helped to build your confidence. I remember doing this second part of the activity several times throughout my early school years. The validation of my self-worth was also reiterated daily in my home.

                In contrast, my husband remembers his childhood being filled with messages of being worthless. He remembers every day after school his mother would send him out to play with instructions to stay away until she called him in, usually right before dinner followed quickly with bedtime. His father would take the stress from work out on him either physically, emotionally or mentally daily. He remembers hating to go to school because he’d then have to deal with the bullies.

                The differences of our upbringing and childhood experiences has been strikingly evident in our marriage. Often my husband has referred to my way of viewing life as being like “Pollyanna” while I couldn’t understand why he had such a “Scrooge” outlook on life. After 15 years of marriage I wish I could say that my husband has taken on a more “Pollyanna” outlook but in reality, I’ve become a bit more “Scrooge” like. Dr. John Gottman explained this change best in his book “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” when he stated “Over time, irritation, resentment, and anger build to the point that the friendship becomes more and more of an abstraction. The couple may pay lip service to it, but it is no longer their daily reality. Eventually they end up in “negative sentiment override.” Everything gets interpreted in an increasingly negative manner. Words said in a neutral tone of voice are taken personally.” (Gottman, 2015, p. 23) Unfortunately, this negative tone is more prevalent in our home then I’d like. Our children have noticed this “negative sentiment override” and have started to show it in their interactions with each other.

                Fortunately, my husband has been able to recognize that “negative sentiment override” was a way of life in his parents’ marriage and can clearly see that their marriage was not one to use as a role model. From time to time he can see the influence of their marriage in our marriage and he is wanting to make a change, so we don’t end up like his parents. I’m so excited for this semester and the course subject matter. I’ve asked my husband to read through the textbooks with me, in which he has been a willing and active participant. My hope is that as we both read and discuss the different topics; we can implement the needed changes to rebuild the friendship in our marriage.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Aware of the Intent

A friend once asked which apostle was my favorite to listen to during General Conference. Without hesitation I answered Elder Richard G. Scott. I loved the way he talked directly to the camera as if he was talking right to me. I also found that his talks spoke directly to my heart. My friend then replied that meant I loved to hear the subject of chastity because in his opinion that was what Elder Scott talked about most often. I hadn’t ever thought about the speaking patterns of the apostles or other general authorities of the church until I started to follow Elder Bruce C. Hafen. Like Elder Scott, Elder Hafen’s talks touch my heart. I enjoy his style of speaking and the subject he talks often about, which in his own words is “family relationships, especially child rearing and marriage.” His speaking style helps with my understand of these topics and therefore gives me strength to strive to improve my marriage, my parenting skills and myself.

This week I read a talk he gave in the Saturday morning session of the October 1996 General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints titled “Covenant Marriage.” To help us understand what a covenant marriage is he compared it to a contractual marriage by stating, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” (Hafen, 1996, 26) Giving 100 percent, all the time, is extremely hard! With all of life’s demands such as parenthood, work, church, school and other outside influences, always keeping marriage front and center can be challenging. Even harder than that is making sure you and your spouse are both finding the balance while keeping marriage front and center.

Though this is difficult, it is not impossible. At the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting for members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, held on February 11, 2006, Elder Bednar, while speaking on marriage, referenced Alma 2:12 and pointed out that it states to be “…aware of the intent of [their enemy] and, therefore, they did prepare to meet them.” (Brigham Young University - Idaho, 2006) We like the people in Alma can become aware of the attacks on our marriage so that when we are faced with them, we will have our defenses prepared. Elder Hafen helps us to become aware of the intents of our enemies by sharing three ways that they seek to destroy our marriage.

Elder Hafen first helps us understand the differences between a hireling and a shepherd by sharing what Jesus taught in John 10:12-15. This is the parable of the hireling and a shepherd. A hireling runs away from the flock of sheep when the wolves’ approach as compared to how a shepherd stays to protect the sheep. Elder Hafen reminds us that we need to be a shepherd in our marriage not a hireling and helps us to know what we can focus on in our marriages to help make this happen.

Elder Hafen refers to the intents of the enemy as wolves.

 The three wolves he mentions are natural adversity, imperfections and excessive individualism. He shares that these wolves attack continually throughout every stages of marriage. I can attest to the truthfulness of his synopsis because I’ve seen each of these wolves approach my marriage of 15 years. The first wolf of “natural adversity” tackled us when the economy in America was bleak and we were thrown into the bleakness when my husband lost his job. The next wolf of “imperfections” threatens us daily as we continually show our weaknesses and make mistakes. The last wolf of “excessive individualism” confronted us way before we even met each other. By Mormon culture my husband was a menace to society, and I was an old maid by the time we got married. Unfortunately, this later in age marriage also brought baggage of deep-rooted singleness, or individualism, into it. We continually work to defeat this wolf.

Knowing how these wolves actively play a part in our marriage now will help us to become “aware” of their moves so we can plan strategies so that we can be prepared to act like a shepherd and not a hireling.

Brigham Young University - Idaho. (2006, February 11). Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan [Video]. BYU-Idaho Streaming Video Player. http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=156&EndCue=1437&VideoName=WorldwideLeadershipFamily&VideoType=byuiproduced

Hafen, B. C., (1996, Nov.). Covenant Marriage. Ensign, 26