Jacqueline Roemmele

Two months from now will be the two-year anniversary of the death of my mother-in-law, Jacqui. I’m one of the lucky ones that doesn’t have any horrible “monster”-in-law stories. Jacqui was born and raised in Scotland, the youngest child of Tom and Agnes Rankin. She grew up in a very unconventional way. Her mother was in and out of her life for massive blocks of time due to alcoholism. At age eight, Jacqui had to be “the woman of the house.” Though her own mother wasn’t a great example she absolutely adored her mother-in-law, Anna. Jacqui lived with Anna for a few years once she moved to America shortly after marrying Anna’s son, Vincent (my father-in-law). Through Anna, Jacqui learned how to be a great mother-in-law. Shortly after my husband and I got engaged, Jacqui looked into my eyes and said, “I am here if you need me, but I will never give you advise unless you ask for it.”

In our studies this week we read the following statement, “While popular culture often suggests it is best to live far from parents-in-law, the results of one study demonstrated that the close proximity of daughters-in-law with their husbands’ mothers did not add strain but provided opportunities for relationship development.” (Hart et al., 2005, p 331) My relationship with my mother-in-law is a testimony of the study mentioned above. My husband and I lived 20 minutes from my in-laws when we first got married. She truly kept her promise of not butting into our marriage or parenting lives the whole time we lived that close.

Part of the success of having a wonderful relationship with my mother-in-law is because of the circumstances mentioned in the next claim, “Research shows that when daughters-in-law disclose information about themselves, communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy, and put for a relational connection, they can have high-quality relationships with mothers-in-law.” (Hart et al., 2005, p 332) We had many opportunities to get to know each other. Being open to spending special time with Jacqui helped me to learn so many fun life stories about Jacqui’s life. With her now gone, I find myself from time to time remembering back to the times we shared together. I’m extremely grateful for the time we had and I look forward to seeing her when we get to meet again.

Hart, C. H., Newell, L. D., Walton, E., Dollahite, D. C., Haupt, J. H., Hendricks, H. M., & Hawkins, L. B. (Eds.). (2005). Helping and healing our families. Salt Lake City:Deseret Book Company

Individual and Together at the Same Time

In this week’s reading there was a quote from M. Russell Ballard that stated, “Both men and women are to serve their families and others, but the specific ways in which they do so are sometimes different.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) We are told this many times as we grow up. It has become even more apparent as I’ve since gotten married and get to live through these differences daily.

Elder Ballard further explains the roles of husbands and fathers by sharing, “For example, God has revealed through His prophets that men are to receive the priesthood, to become fathers, and with gentleness and pure, unfeigned love to lead and nurture their families in righteousness, taking for their pattern the way the Savior leads the Church. Men have also been given the primary responsibility for providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) My husband is a wonderful example of this quote. He fulfills his primary responsibility of “providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family” with the utmost exactness. He has always made it a point to make sure that we are taken care of and have no need to worry for both our present and future times.

Elder Ballard’s direction for wives and mothers is, “Women have the ability to bring children into the world and have been given the primary role and opportunity to lead, nurture, and teach their little ones in a loving, safe, and spiritual environment.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) I’m grateful for the opportunity to “lead, nurture, and teach” my little ones. I have been able to feel the powerful guidance from our loving Heavenly Father as I’ve done this task asked of me. I enjoy being a wife and mother.

His quote ended perfectly with the combining of the joint roles of both as spouses and parents, to be done together. He finished with, “In this divinely sanctioned partnership, husband and wives work together, each bringing his or her unique contribution to the family. Such a couple provide the children born to their union a home where they can be fully nurtured by both a mother and a father. By appointing different accountabilities to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service, and progress.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) I have learned over these past 15 years that in order for a marriage to work the “unique contribution” from each spouse is important. I’m grateful for all the ups and downs we’ve had to learn how our contributions work well together. There has been great “growth, service, and progress” as my husband and I have worked together to raise our children. I’m grateful for eternal families.

Ballard, M. R. (1997). Counseling with Our Councils. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co.

Multiple and Replenish

President Hinckley once stated: “The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity, and there is no greater joy than the joy that comes of happy children in good families. But He did not designate the number, nor has the church. That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord.” (Hinckley, Cornerstones to a Happy Home, pg 6)

When I was in elementary school, I had decided I wanted eight children, just like my mom. Later, in my teens, I had come up with twelve perfect names. I guess that meant I was going to have twelve perfect children. As time went on, and I got older, the number went back down to eight, then six, then four. Then I questioned if I was ever going to get married so I could at least have one child. Right about then I met my husband. We had a quick courtship and engagement. I can’t exact remember when we decided but during our courtship/engagement we decided we wanted three children. We also decided that we wanted them before my husband turned 40, which would mean that we’d have them all within five years from getting married, if possible.

In the same statement, President Hinckley said: “The official statement of the Church includes this language: ‘Husbands must be considerate of their wives, who have the greater responsibility not only of bearing children but of caring for them through childhood, and should help them conserve their health and strength. …They should seek inspiration from the Lord in meeting their marital challenges and rearing their children according to the teachings of the gospel.’” (Hinckley, Cornerstones of a Happy Home, pg 6)

Having three children in five years seems like a difficult task, both in the theory of conception and the “conserving” of “health and strength.” I am here to testify that as a couple comes together with the Lord and follows the inspiration given from the Lord, they will be able to do what is best for the whole family. We actually ended up having three children within 2 years and 362 days. As I look back on the past decade of our lives as a family, I know without a shadow of a doubt that we were supposed to have our three children within the time-frame we did. I can further testify that with the inspiration from the Lord I was given the help of multiple heavenly and earthly angels along my path to help with the energy and strength needed to accomplish this task.

Truth without Disguise

In the chapter titled “Charity” of Dr. Wallace Goddard’s book “Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results,” he shares the following quote from C.S. Lewis:

“…surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth.” (Goddard, 2007, pg. 108)

I share this quote with you because when I read it the first time it struck me right to the core. I had to read it a couple times as I let it really sink in. After processing it for a bit my thoughts were turned toward my family and the way I sometimes react to their mishaps. I hated the memories that came back to me of the times that my “truth” had come out before I have a chance to put on my disguise. Thankfully, the memories in this regard were short but still sad that I have them.

Dr. Goddard followed C.S. Lewis’s quote with a few thoughts of his own on the matter. He said, “The natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity. More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice—a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other.” (Goddard, 2007, pg. 108) I like that he reminded us that we have a choice. He is correct, the choice of negativity is much simpler. Unfortunately, the choice of ease also brings feelings of turmoil and sorrow once we realize how we reacted toward our loved ones. The reverse though of choosing the “heavenly and loving way” helps us gain the immense reward of peace and happiness.

To further the reward of peace and happiness, choosing charity also gives us the opportunity to become more Christlike. As Dr. Goddard continues to remind us, “As in all things, Jesus is the perfect example of charity. He is also our unfailing mentor as we work to develop charity.” (Goddard, 2007, pg. 108) What a thrill to have Jesus as our mentor! Seeking to be like Him in showing charity to our loved ones can only create in ourselves a better person and someone that He can help spread His love.

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

The Keys to Managing Conflict

A lot of great conflict management material was shared this week. There was one part that gave me comfort and peace as I pondered the conflict part of marriage. At the end of Chapter 8, John Gottman gives four keys that will help in managing conflict (appropriately found under the section labeled “The Keys to Managing Conflict.”) (2015, Gottman, pg 156-159) The four keys are: (1) Negative emotions are important, (2) No one is right, (3) Acceptance is crucial and (4) Focus on fondness and admiration. What I appreciate from these keys is that they provide a foundation for any kind of conflict that may arise in marriage.

Negative emotions are important. 

Dr. John Gottman states, “Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) Previous times that I’ve been taught to pay attention to negative emotions the focus was on an individual level and how a person deals with these emotions. Dr. Gottman further explained that his goal was to help couples express “…their negative emotions in ways that allow each other to listen without feeling attacked so that the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) Not until this key was presented this week, did I realize the importance of understanding the negative emotions as a couple. I’ve been able to see in my own marriage how understanding my husband’s negative emotions and how they link to his past that I can do as Dr. Gottman said and heal his pain instead of becoming hurt by his words.

No one is right.

Dr. Gottman pointed out that conflict will be easier to resolve if the couple remembers that “There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) This reminds me of the example often given about several witnesses reporting to the police officers what they witnessed before, during and after an accident happened. Each story will have similarities but in every case each witness will have their own remembrance of what happened. I believe this is what Dr. Gottman is referring to. We need to remember that each of us sees things differently due to our personal life experiences.

Acceptance is crucial.

Accepting our spouse’s “subjective” point of view, as mentioned above, will also help in resolving issues. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you agree with them. Rather, acceptance is a way of showing your spouse that what they feel and say are of value and helps in opening the door to resolving the issue.  

Focus on fondness and admiration.

This concept of fondness and admiration is shared by Dr. Gottman in Chapter 5 with the introduction of “Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration.” (Gottman, 2015, pg.67) This principle has been my favorite principle thus far because I believe that it was the principle that my husband and I needed the most help with. After learning of this principle and implementing it in our marriage we’ve already seen a refresh of our love for each other. Seeing this refresh in just the short period of time since learning it I can completely see how this key helps in resolving issues. If love for each other is front and center, then you are going to find it easier to resolve conflict with tenderness and care.

Earlier I mentioned that these keys brought comfort and peace to my mind when thinking of conflict management. I truly believe this is because I’ve seen them work in my own marriage during our moments of conflict. We are not perfect, but we’ve come a long way to improving our moments of conflict.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Eggs and Influence

In the movie “Runaway Bride,” reporter Ike Graham goes to a small town to write a story on bride Maggie Carpenter. Maggie has already left three grooms at the alter so the talk of the town is will she make it four. As Ike interviews the three previous grooms, he finds that when he inquiries about how Maggie liked her eggs the answer is different each time. Turns out that Maggie liked her eggs the exact same way each of the grooms liked their eggs.

The fourth principle in John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” is to “Let Your Partner Influence You.” Through Dr. Gottman’s research he has found that husbands have a harder time letting their wives influence them. Thankfully he has found a shift in this behavior. “About 35 percent of the men we’ve studied are emotionally intelligent. Research from previous decades suggests the number used to be much lower. Because this type of husband honors and respects his wife, he will be open to learning more about emotions from her.” (Gottman, 2015, pg. 123) I feel that part of this shift is because spouse have started to recognize the importance of working together to strengthen their marriage.

What does this principle and the way Maggie likes her eggs have in common? I agree with Dr. Gottman that husbands, and wives, need to honor and respect their spouse by allowing each other to be influenced by the other. I’d like to add a bit to his message. For a person to have influence in a relationship they need be confident in their value. Since Dr. Gottman pointed out that husbands have a harder time with receiving the influence from their wives I will follow his train of thought and add that wives need to remember to be influential. When we look at Maggie and her choice of eggs, she was allowing herself to go along with what her fiancée’s choice was. In the end Maggie’s choice for how to eat eggs was Benedict. Maggie knew how she liked her eggs, she just needed to be confident in herself to order eggs her way instead of how her fiancée always ordered them.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Vanishing Individualism

In a previous post I mentioned that due to being older when my husband and I got married we had both brought our own version of the “baggage of deep-rooted singleness, or individualism.” This week we studied the third principle from Dr. Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles from Making Marriage Work” which is, “turn toward each other instead of away.” Turning toward each other is how a couple builds a connection. It is a way to show your spouse that you value them.

This principle made me take a much deeper look into how individualism has affected our marriage. A line from the book that resonated with me was “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” (Gottman, 2015, pg. 94) Dr. Gottman was referring to the distraction of technology when he made this statement but for my marriage it brought my thoughts back to “deep-rooted singleness.” We had both lived alone for most of our single lives. We had become accustomed to doing things on our own and for ourselves. We have a hard time asking each other for assistance, feedback or thoughts. I don’t often miss opportunities to turn toward my husband because I’m wanting to hurt him. Instead, these missed opportunities come from the routine of being alone.

Thankfully, we had been given wise advice from our Bishop at the time we got married to always work together as a team. We did this by deliberately turning towards each other. These times have indeed helped us to shed our individualism and brought us closer as a couple. We’ve had many changes in our marriage - from starting our own family, being without a job for several years and two major moves across the United States. Yet, through all this there have been three consistent practices that have always helped us accomplish turning towards each other. They are (1) we always share about each other’s day, (2) we go on drives, just the two of us which most often lead to nowhere in particular and (3) we play card or board games. Each of these events gives us time to talk and build the connection needed to get rid of individualism and strengthen our marriage.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.