Individual and Together at the Same Time

In this week’s reading there was a quote from M. Russell Ballard that stated, “Both men and women are to serve their families and others, but the specific ways in which they do so are sometimes different.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) We are told this many times as we grow up. It has become even more apparent as I’ve since gotten married and get to live through these differences daily.

Elder Ballard further explains the roles of husbands and fathers by sharing, “For example, God has revealed through His prophets that men are to receive the priesthood, to become fathers, and with gentleness and pure, unfeigned love to lead and nurture their families in righteousness, taking for their pattern the way the Savior leads the Church. Men have also been given the primary responsibility for providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) My husband is a wonderful example of this quote. He fulfills his primary responsibility of “providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family” with the utmost exactness. He has always made it a point to make sure that we are taken care of and have no need to worry for both our present and future times.

Elder Ballard’s direction for wives and mothers is, “Women have the ability to bring children into the world and have been given the primary role and opportunity to lead, nurture, and teach their little ones in a loving, safe, and spiritual environment.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) I’m grateful for the opportunity to “lead, nurture, and teach” my little ones. I have been able to feel the powerful guidance from our loving Heavenly Father as I’ve done this task asked of me. I enjoy being a wife and mother.

His quote ended perfectly with the combining of the joint roles of both as spouses and parents, to be done together. He finished with, “In this divinely sanctioned partnership, husband and wives work together, each bringing his or her unique contribution to the family. Such a couple provide the children born to their union a home where they can be fully nurtured by both a mother and a father. By appointing different accountabilities to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service, and progress.” (Ballard, 1997, p 56) I have learned over these past 15 years that in order for a marriage to work the “unique contribution” from each spouse is important. I’m grateful for all the ups and downs we’ve had to learn how our contributions work well together. There has been great “growth, service, and progress” as my husband and I have worked together to raise our children. I’m grateful for eternal families.

Ballard, M. R. (1997). Counseling with Our Councils. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co.

Multiple and Replenish

President Hinckley once stated: “The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity, and there is no greater joy than the joy that comes of happy children in good families. But He did not designate the number, nor has the church. That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord.” (Hinckley, Cornerstones to a Happy Home, pg 6)

When I was in elementary school, I had decided I wanted eight children, just like my mom. Later, in my teens, I had come up with twelve perfect names. I guess that meant I was going to have twelve perfect children. As time went on, and I got older, the number went back down to eight, then six, then four. Then I questioned if I was ever going to get married so I could at least have one child. Right about then I met my husband. We had a quick courtship and engagement. I can’t exact remember when we decided but during our courtship/engagement we decided we wanted three children. We also decided that we wanted them before my husband turned 40, which would mean that we’d have them all within five years from getting married, if possible.

In the same statement, President Hinckley said: “The official statement of the Church includes this language: ‘Husbands must be considerate of their wives, who have the greater responsibility not only of bearing children but of caring for them through childhood, and should help them conserve their health and strength. …They should seek inspiration from the Lord in meeting their marital challenges and rearing their children according to the teachings of the gospel.’” (Hinckley, Cornerstones of a Happy Home, pg 6)

Having three children in five years seems like a difficult task, both in the theory of conception and the “conserving” of “health and strength.” I am here to testify that as a couple comes together with the Lord and follows the inspiration given from the Lord, they will be able to do what is best for the whole family. We actually ended up having three children within 2 years and 362 days. As I look back on the past decade of our lives as a family, I know without a shadow of a doubt that we were supposed to have our three children within the time-frame we did. I can further testify that with the inspiration from the Lord I was given the help of multiple heavenly and earthly angels along my path to help with the energy and strength needed to accomplish this task.

Truth without Disguise

In the chapter titled “Charity” of Dr. Wallace Goddard’s book “Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results,” he shares the following quote from C.S. Lewis:

“…surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth.” (Goddard, 2007, pg. 108)

I share this quote with you because when I read it the first time it struck me right to the core. I had to read it a couple times as I let it really sink in. After processing it for a bit my thoughts were turned toward my family and the way I sometimes react to their mishaps. I hated the memories that came back to me of the times that my “truth” had come out before I have a chance to put on my disguise. Thankfully, the memories in this regard were short but still sad that I have them.

Dr. Goddard followed C.S. Lewis’s quote with a few thoughts of his own on the matter. He said, “The natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity. More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice—a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other.” (Goddard, 2007, pg. 108) I like that he reminded us that we have a choice. He is correct, the choice of negativity is much simpler. Unfortunately, the choice of ease also brings feelings of turmoil and sorrow once we realize how we reacted toward our loved ones. The reverse though of choosing the “heavenly and loving way” helps us gain the immense reward of peace and happiness.

To further the reward of peace and happiness, choosing charity also gives us the opportunity to become more Christlike. As Dr. Goddard continues to remind us, “As in all things, Jesus is the perfect example of charity. He is also our unfailing mentor as we work to develop charity.” (Goddard, 2007, pg. 108) What a thrill to have Jesus as our mentor! Seeking to be like Him in showing charity to our loved ones can only create in ourselves a better person and someone that He can help spread His love.

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

The Keys to Managing Conflict

A lot of great conflict management material was shared this week. There was one part that gave me comfort and peace as I pondered the conflict part of marriage. At the end of Chapter 8, John Gottman gives four keys that will help in managing conflict (appropriately found under the section labeled “The Keys to Managing Conflict.”) (2015, Gottman, pg 156-159) The four keys are: (1) Negative emotions are important, (2) No one is right, (3) Acceptance is crucial and (4) Focus on fondness and admiration. What I appreciate from these keys is that they provide a foundation for any kind of conflict that may arise in marriage.

Negative emotions are important. 

Dr. John Gottman states, “Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) Previous times that I’ve been taught to pay attention to negative emotions the focus was on an individual level and how a person deals with these emotions. Dr. Gottman further explained that his goal was to help couples express “…their negative emotions in ways that allow each other to listen without feeling attacked so that the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) Not until this key was presented this week, did I realize the importance of understanding the negative emotions as a couple. I’ve been able to see in my own marriage how understanding my husband’s negative emotions and how they link to his past that I can do as Dr. Gottman said and heal his pain instead of becoming hurt by his words.

No one is right.

Dr. Gottman pointed out that conflict will be easier to resolve if the couple remembers that “There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.” (Gottman, 2015, pg 157) This reminds me of the example often given about several witnesses reporting to the police officers what they witnessed before, during and after an accident happened. Each story will have similarities but in every case each witness will have their own remembrance of what happened. I believe this is what Dr. Gottman is referring to. We need to remember that each of us sees things differently due to our personal life experiences.

Acceptance is crucial.

Accepting our spouse’s “subjective” point of view, as mentioned above, will also help in resolving issues. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you agree with them. Rather, acceptance is a way of showing your spouse that what they feel and say are of value and helps in opening the door to resolving the issue.  

Focus on fondness and admiration.

This concept of fondness and admiration is shared by Dr. Gottman in Chapter 5 with the introduction of “Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration.” (Gottman, 2015, pg.67) This principle has been my favorite principle thus far because I believe that it was the principle that my husband and I needed the most help with. After learning of this principle and implementing it in our marriage we’ve already seen a refresh of our love for each other. Seeing this refresh in just the short period of time since learning it I can completely see how this key helps in resolving issues. If love for each other is front and center, then you are going to find it easier to resolve conflict with tenderness and care.

Earlier I mentioned that these keys brought comfort and peace to my mind when thinking of conflict management. I truly believe this is because I’ve seen them work in my own marriage during our moments of conflict. We are not perfect, but we’ve come a long way to improving our moments of conflict.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.